There are many grief support organisations and counselling services available in Australia to help individuals and families cope with the loss of a loved one.

We’ve listed some recommended contacts in our Specialist Referrals page and encourage you to see the support of a professional if you are struggling in any way.

Men may behave differently to women when responding to a loss. Generalisations indicate that some men will internalise their feelings and tend to get very busy with activities that might distract them from the pain of their grief. Likewise, generalising about women suggests that they will want to externalise their feelings and talk through their responses with others.

We must be wary, however, of suggesting that all men behave in certain ways and all women behave in certain ways. Many other factors such as relationship to the person, expectations of others, culture and belief systems influence the way we grieve and where and when. The important thing is for men and women to understand and be aware of possible differences in behaviour.

Many people in our society feel uncomfortable with reminders of death and loss. Their own vulnerability and feelings of inadequacy lead them to seek distance and avoidance of the issue and event. People might say to you “Don’t talk about it, you’ll only upset yourself", or maybe “You can’t change the past by talking about it – you just have to move on”. If you feel the need to talk about it these statements can hurt and offend. It will help to find those people who will allow you to talk, and to select them as valued listeners.

There are no right words to say. Often actions speak louder than words. It is better to 'be there' and to give emotional, physical and practical support than to worry too much about trying to find the appropriate words to say. Honesty will be appreciated, so saying you don’t know what to say will usually be more appreciated than statements which may sound like clichés.

For further information see the Tobin Brothers Guide to Grief PDF

Inevitably, in our bereavement process, there will be times of loneliness and sadness.

One way of trying to turn those moments around is to find creative ways to express our feelings. Some of these may include: writing, painting, drawing, creating a photo album or memory box about the person, planting a garden and the like.

Join a bereavement support group can enable us to share times with others who have gone through similar situations and who may have found other ways of doing things to help rebuild their lives.

For further information speak to Tobin Brothers Community Education staff on 9840 2900 who may be able to give you information about groups and resource materials that might help.

There is no timetable for grieving. Some deaths will take longer to resolve because of their complexity (for example, suicide). The death of an infant or child requires the survivors to process not only the loss of what was, but also the loss of what would have been. Sudden and unexpected death often brings not only grief but also trauma because of the cause of the death.


In every death there can be complexities that create difficulty in the mourning process. Some aspects of grief will inevitably arise long after a death has happened. Our different personalities, backgrounds, belief systems, support systems and relationship to the deceased mean that for some the process of moving forward takes longer than for others.


For further information see the Tobin Brothers Guide to Grief PDF

In your explanation it is important to use the words "dead" and "died". Don’t use words like “gone to sleep” or “gone away” as these can be confusing to children. As you talk about the death give lots of physical and emotional support, talk about the person who has died, and talk about them now as being a "memory".

Some adults are concerned about crying in front of children. This is a learning experience for the child, and understanding that when we are sad we may cry is a helpful lesson for them. Explaining that the tears are because of sadness may help the child feel freer to express their own feelings.

Begin to focus on events and experiences that can be remembered by the child, talk about these, and explore tangible ways of remembering the person.

For further information see the Tobin Brothers Guide to Supporting Children in Grief PDF and the recommended resources offered on this site.

There is no hard and fast rule but generally children want to participate in family centred events and this is one of them. Use the funeral to help the child learn about the impact of death and the rituals we use to help us respond. Children can often contribute creatively to a funeral, perhaps by placing a special flower on the coffin, or reading or writing something that can be incorporated into the service.

Don’t force the child to attend against their wishes, but you will find (even if only out of curiosity) most children want to attend if given the opportunity.

If a child is reluctant to attend, it may be because they are fearful of what may happen at a funeral. Gently explaining the process and answering any of their questions will demystify the event and they may then decide to attend. Children’s exposure to media images and cartoon representations of death may have given them incorrect information and this is an excellent opportunity to dispel those fears and myths.

Explaining cremation to a child can be delicate but it's important to be honest and compassionate. Here's a simple way to explain it:

"Cremation is a way that some people choose to handle what happens to someone's body after they die. Instead of burying the body in the ground, like we often see in cemeteries, the body is put into a special oven called a crematorium. In the crematorium, the body is carefully and respectfully turned into ashes through a gentle process involving very high heat. These ashes are then often kept in a container called an urn for people to remember their loved one, or returned to nature."

Keep the conversation open for questions and provide comfort and reassurance as needed. It's best not to answer more than what they ask. Keep answers brief, simple and in terms they will understand. It's okay if they have more questions later on as they process the information.