The loss of an infant or child
What you can do when when a child or baby dies
From the first dream…
From the first moment we dream of them, our babies and children matter. They become part of the very fabric of who we are. All our children, birthed or dreamt of, alive or deceased; they are in our hearts and minds.
No matter how long ago they died, how old they were, or how long they lived, from the first heartbeat, the first dream of them, they are ours. They are our child, living inside our heart and woven into the very fabric of our lives.
A fabric however, that with their passing, is woven with holes and torn threads.
Holes that we can feel most when we look at our family photos, sit down at family events and pass through family milestones. A hole that we long to have mended, to have filled with their life, their love and their achievements.
Everybody reacts differently to the pain of this unique loss. Jamie Anderson wrote one definition that may resonate:
"Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go”
Giving love somewhere to go
When we listen to that love as it wells up in our body or thoughts, it will tell us how to love our child. There will be someway to give our infant or child the love, acknowledgement, inspiration and courage through our own actions.
Of course there is always somewhere for love to go. It may not be in the way we want it to be but it can be beautiful nonetheless.
What you can do with the love for your child
- Listen to the feelings inside you and let the love guide you. Great things that help millions of people come from grief. Let the love for your child move you.
- Light a candle, place a photo, and keep an altar, somewhere where you can sit and talk or just be with them. Like you would with any child. You can let them go out of your sight and then you have times when they are there again
- As you sit see what inspiration or insights come. Children have an amazing way of helping us see things with such clarity.
- Love may look like starting a charity or raising money for one.
- Creating a garden, building something, making something.
- Creating an event, throwing a party, holding a ceremony.
- Love may look like poetry or writing, speaking, walking, time alone, time being busy, cooking, sewing, singing.
- Love may look like joining a support group online, on Facebook or in person. Being part of a group where everyone can talk freely about their child with all the love they want.
Your child’s physical form is coming alive through you, with all you do in the world, with the love that is for them.
For parents, families and friends who have experienced, or been touched by, the loss of a baby or child we warmly invite you to attend our annual Remembering our Angels services, which are generally held around November each year.
Please see our Remembering Our Angels event page for further details.
All are welcome to attend; family, friends, nursing staff, siblings…and you are welcome at any stage of your journey.
Samantha Rennie
Community Education Manager, Tobin Brothers Funerals
